Friday, April 13, 2012

Breaking News! North Korean Missile Launch is Miserable Failure - Dud Missile Flops Into Ocean off Korean Coast - Several Seagulls Frightened to Death

POST LAUNCH UPDATE AT BOTTOM!


Remember when you were a kid and you and your friends made your own rockets to be launched from your backyard? You either bought a kit if you had money or, if you were like us, and didn't have any money, you made your own rockets, bombs, hydrogen balloons, bazookas and all sorts of dangerous things that normal boys used to do, but can't do anymore because they'd be labeled as "terrorists?"




Those were the days!


Well, my friends, you can relive all those exciting days today... Or tomorrow... whatever... with your new North Korean Vicarious Missile Launch set! Just stay glued to your TV and you can have all the excitement of waiting for the thing to get off the ground and then watching it go up, up, up and away!!!! Also remember as a kid when, just after the rocket came crashing down in the street, you thought, "Gee! I wish we could make a missile that would go to the moon?"


Well, forget that part. It didn't happen when you were a kid and it ain't gonna happen now, OK? Don't be stupid.


It's now T-Minus a few hours, give or take a day or two, when North Korea launches a horrible rocket that many world leaders ("world leaders" now there's a contradiction!) fear is actually a ballistic missile (Anyone out can clue me in as to the difference between a rocket and a missile?) ... that someday will be used to launch a nuclear attack on someone (Who? Well, someone who doesn't have the ability to retaliate and blast them back into the stone age... So that means Myanmar.)


Now doesn't that sound suspicious? No, not the Myanmar part. I mean the part about "give a take a day or two"? How come we don't know when exactly this launch is going to be? Is it because North Korea is so secretive about everything? Or is it because they are such a clusterf*ck with everything they do that they can't do anything right and don't even know themselves? I suspect the latter. 


One guess who is the politician and who is the "citizen"?


Heck, the leaders of that country can't even feed their people, now that's not really rocket science, you know. Launching a rocket is, though, rocket science (sort of a pun intended).


If you read the newspapers, you'd think that everyone in the world is wondering when exactly Kim Jung Dim Son II (the son of the former Dim Son) is going to launch the missile, rocket, whatever.... Yet no one knows and everyone is living in fear and suspense...


The fact of the matter is that 99.999999997% of the world's population don't even care. They have their own problems. The powers-that-be in the USA, Japan, China, etc... Are using this terrible news to solidify their power base and a reason to increase government spending (read: increase your taxes).


But anyway, back to the story... When will the missile be launched?


I have 3:30 pm today (Japan time) for a dollar at the gambling pool at work. If I hit it right, then I win $100 dollars! Pretty cool, eh? I won $2,700 dollars one time in the pool when the Dolphins beat the Broncos 27 -14... Or was it 47 - 14? I can't remember. But does it matter?


Just like this missile launch, or rocket launch... whatever... Times, numbers, details... What difference does it make?


Fact of the matter, folks, is that I already know what's going to happen with this piece o' sh*t Made-in-North Korea crap toy. Just like cheap assed toys you buy at Toys'r'Us! The kids are going to be all excited opening the box and putting the thing together and in great anticipation and, well, when it comes to launch time, it probably won't get off the ground, or, if it does launch (to our great joy!), the thing will come crashing down to earth immediately (or into the neighbors window) and be the most anti-climatic and unexciting toy you've bought for the kids since that dumb yo-yo you bought for them (just because you liked yo-yos when you were a kid!) and the kids played with the yo-yo for about one hour then never touched it again (come to think of it, where is that thing?)


Hell, going through the neighbors window will probably make the launch exciting... Anything less will just be another faded memory of one of a hundred boring toys you bought your kids.


Like I said, the powers-that-be are using this toy rocket launch as a tool to scare us (that's you and me - the dumb populace) into believing that we need the government to protect us and.... SURPRISE! They need to tax us more so that they can spend more money on building the military industrial complex...


Why else would they spend so much time and effort of trying to scare us about a missile launch that isn't going anywhere except immediately into the drink?


The Japanese government reaction is the funniest. They say that they are going to shoot the missile down! Bwa! Ha! Ha! Why would they shoot it down? It's just going to come crashing down by itself anyway? That the Japanese government says they will blast the rocket out of the sky just goes to prove that even they don't believe that North Korea has the ability to successfully launch a rocket and that they are afraid a big pile of junk is going to land in someone's yard in Tokyo and who's going to pay for the clean-up? Not me!


Comedy!


"We suck less!"


In fact, conveniently, the TV news fails to tell us that North Korea has never once successfully launched a missile, any missile at all... But the North Korean news tell us that they have. Oh me! Who to believe? Western news sources and governments who lie all the time or North Korean News sources that lie all the time?


Please refer to the L.A. Times: Experts say past North Korean rocket launches failed:



This isn’t the first time that North Korea has announced it is launching a satellite into space, alarming world leaders who believe the isolated regime is actually testing its ballistic missile technology.

But it would be a first if it actually works. North Korea has attempted similar launches three times before. Western experts say none has succeeded.

Three years ago, the last rocket launch is believed to have failed in its third and final stage, which is supposed to propel the satellite into orbit, said David Wright of the Union of Concerned Scientists.

Instead it landed in the Pacific Ocean. North Korea nonetheless announced that the launch had been a success. 



They probably would be more successful at missile launching if they did buy a set at Toys'r'Us. 


Anyhow, let's celebrate the launch. Lights down. Music up! Let's get funky!!!!


video


UPDATE! Sometimes I impress even myself (except my gambling skills!) This post was uploaded about one hour before the North Koreans launched the dud rocket. That means, unfortunately, I lost the bet. 


Some choice quotes and after-thoughts come to mind:


Rocket: "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."


North Korean Scientist: "Uh-oh. Monthly 10 gram Kimchee allowance now cut in half."


North Korean Leader: "Big rocket no fly long time!"


Japanese & South government officials reaction: "We must first warn them and then let them know how serious we are!"


USA officials: "We start bombing in 5 minutes." 

1 comment:

Jimbo said...

When I was 14 years old, I made a potato gun out of PVC pipe that not only didn't work properly, but I ended up burning the right side of my face pretty badly. EVEN SO I'm pretty sure I have a better chance of sending a satellite into space via a rocket than these clowns do.